A quote that a reader posted on a forum:

"The path to happiness is long and full of obstacles. If you walk only when it is sunny you may never get there. To do so, you have to walk on rainy days as well."

So Far

So far things are going as they should (I hope). I guess this is what it feels like to start over. The anxiety has never left and the feeling of a desire to achieve is as fierce as ever.

Every time I've been posting lately, it seems as though I"m just rehashing my "plans for the future" - nothing has changed from last week, or last month really. Except that I've passed my State exam and am now an EMT :) I dont remember if I'd mentioned that though. I probably did, but my memory is useless.

I try and read at work. Relevant things, I mean. There are a lot of interesting neurology books, microbio books, molecular biology books laying around. I need something to keep my mind from warping.

Alright so this is my short term plan:

Spring :
- apply to UMBC for non degree seeking student that way I can start tackling my pre-reqs again. Ugh, calc!!!

Mini Update

1) I love free stuff. I was able to snag a whole bunch of furniture from this guy who is moving out of my building. My apartment is definately coming along .... : )

2) I'm taking my state EMT practical exam this saturday!!!! I wish me luck. I'm so looking forward to getting all this over with. As much as i love it, driving to class every night after work is a bitch. Plus, I need to get a physical tomorrow. Between that, and getting all these work ups for my new job, and seeing this new doc n that new doc because I've moved it a pain. I dont even get stickers anymore. And how many EKGs can one girl get in 6 months??

3) I think I found the school where I"m going to take my classes. It's a public university so I dont think there should be a problem going in as a non-degree seeking student. I'm going to vie for the summer. Until then I'll focus on my job and my EMTing.

Hot Spot

I finally found a Wi Fi cafe!! My excuse for not having updated in a while is the fact that i've just moved and still haven't gotten internet in my apartment yet. I know, I've been slacking.

Anyways, so here I am. Aside from work, which has been great so far, I'm still taking my EMT classes - and i'm STILL waiting to affiliate somewhere. I have my paperwork taken care of at this one station in southern maryland, but paperwork takes a while so I've been bugging them. Hopefully that will all go through sometime soon and I'll get voted in. I've also been riding with an EMS rig called 899. It's a ghost station in a way. We have no firehouse or anything, we just run calls. I'm not sure how it works, but I feel like we have been stepping on the toes of the other ambulances when we randomly pull up into their station. EMS is EMS though, right?

Now as far as my to-do list. I'm still stuck on the page entitled, What The Hell am i Supposed to do About Classes? As I mentioed before, my parents have been pushing me to go and get my masters and i know if i tell them about my med school plans, they'd just laugh. I havent even told my dad about my EMT class. I know, it seems evil, but I know him and I want something to be "my own" for a change without him telling me how much of a bone head I am. This EMT thing is my own baby. My own project.


And so is my med school pursuit.


I dont have time to shadow anyone at the moment, but I think that the experience I'm getting riding the ambulance is definitely making up for that. It all comes down to the grades though. In the most ridiculous of circumstances, I can get my masters and take my pre-req courses at the same time? I dont know. That sounds like a lot going on.

One step at a time or I"ll just trip again.

Maybe this is all meant to be? Not finishing my second go-round of pre-req attempts at home? Moving to DC? Getting this job in Baltimore? Being all alone again? Having time to face myself and figure out how I"m going to get what I really want?



Hopefully I'll have internet this week. I'm thinking of getting one of those wireless thingies that I can just plug into my laptop and be done with it.

in the lab. in the zone.

I totally rocked my practice suturing the other day. We watched another surgery demonstration and then we were allowed to practice sewing up the back ourselves... I kept hand shaking to a minimum, tried not to blink, and held my breath during the tedious parts. All in all, it went pretty well. I have to get used to working with those nitrile gloves though, they seem to bunch up during the most inopportune times......


Our lab was pretty relaxed today. Too relaxed. During our lab meeting, instead of discussing pertinent information, we opted to "play a game." An educational game, of course - which ended in a tie-breaking arm wrestling match. It was all fun and games though, people were put on the spot, and subsequently embarrassed for not knowing the answer to an "easy" question. I felt stupid as all hell when it was my turn to list a neurotransmitter. Dopamine, seratonin,histamine, acetylcholine, adrenaline, epinephrine, glutamine, glycine, atropine, prolactin, GABA, H1, H2, H3, H4, vasopressin, oxytocin, GHB, endocannabinoids, niacin, orexin .... I choked.


Other than that, today was a bit slow... we were supposed to go down to the animal facility and take an inventory of all the supplies we have and need to order. I guess we just ended up not having the time. Guess what is on tap for tomorrow?

Down time...

I have a few minutes of "quota time" at work to mess around here so i'll just document the few things that I've taken care of already:

- I recieved an email back from another Dr at JHMI. This one is in Internal Medicine and seemed oddly willing to let me shadow him. His response to my email was, "Sure, when do you want to start?" I get a wide range of responses though. Anything from that to, "Thank you for your inquiry, however, it is against HIPPA regulation to allow for unsolicited observation. I will have to forward your request to Dolores, the head of volunteer services so she can start you with the appropriate forms...."

- I checked out a few schools locally where I could consider applying to. No matter what courses I wind up taking, I'll obviously need to have been accepted somewhere.

- Our building is located across the street from the Hopkins emergency department. I went to their website and checked out the EMS service. I figured it would be ideal if I could affiliate with them. It said that the program was created and is run by JHU students, so im not sure if you HAVE to be a JHU student to become a member. When I get an email back, I'll know.


- Tonight I'm going to another fire station to pick up the forms that I'll need to get my finger printing done. All in a days work...

Thats all for now.

Sometimes

I flip back and forth between the reality of all this. Am I capable of going through with it or not? My motivation switches on and off so fast....one minute I believe I can do this, I can SEE it all happening and it's so real. The other minute, I'm doubting myself over and over, thinking that I'm kidding myself and just wasting time. I know what I want, but I don't know what's real. It's hard to digest.

Not too many people know about my "project..." I was on the phone with dad this evening and he asked me if I'm planning on furthering my education now that I have this new job. Some people would think, okay, I have a cushy job that I can spend a few years doing, whats the point right? But after about two years, I'll dry up like a prune if I dont advance myself academically. And I'll be replaced with some hotshot kid who just got his masters in neuropathology or something. I get that. But what am I to do? I dont want to get my masters. I want to go to med school. God, I sound like a stubborn 5 year old. Heck I'll go to med school in Antigua for heaven's sake, it doesnt really matter to me. I'm so flustered with all of this, my head is spinning...

I'll be okay...just have to keep my eye on the ball.

In two months I'll have my EMT certification, so thats good news :) I know I said I would cross train in Fire I, but I'll hold off on that for a few more months and just focus on "EMTing." I also wanted to pick up on shadowing again, so I made a few calls and sent a few emails. I was able to connect with a cardiologist at JHUH and he said he would be okay with me tagging along once a week. We are going to set up a meeting at some point to iron out the details.

Until next time..

Beeker!

I'm totally falling in love with my job. We're still working on getting all the paperwork through so we can be added to the protocols but in the meantime, the other newbie and myself have been tagging along and observing what goes on. On Monday, we are going to go to the animal facility and watch a few surgeries being done. We were going to do that today but my boss got caught up with a few other thing and it was pushed back.

We watched a demo of a behavioral testing technique used with a device called the CatWalk. Ironically titled, it's used for mice and rats. I'll spare details but its basically used to record and analyze gate, post-injury. It was pretty interesting.

After lunch, I couldn't help but go to the Johns Hopkins website again and check out what the deal would be if I applied as a non-degree seeking student to finish my pre-reqs. Hopkins is no FIU. There have been a lot of seemingly impossible things accomplished in this world but getting in to that school would be a ridiculous stretch. I've accepted the fact that I look like shit on paper. I've always studied hard, I've even been able to successfully help people out with subjects that never came easy to me and even subjects that I've never ever studied before. But when it comes to me for me, a screw ALWAYS pops loose.

I"m not complaining though... I think things are going well so far, despite my detour. At the end of this day, this, my ultimate goal, is all that I can think about. It's almost as though I would be meaningless, thoughtless, and purposeless on this planet without it. A dream can be so big sometimes, it's impossible to wrap your head around. You see nothing else but that, and you'd walk through fire to get it.



I keep telling myself that I wont bring up my alcoholism in this blog because thats not what it's about. But this evening, I was thinking about it a little bit and as it turns out, alcoholism does play a part in all of this. I used to get drunk and spend hours and hours bawling over the fact that I was "too stupid to do anything right." I was "useless and a wasted talent," and that I was "nothing but a dreamer that takes up space and time." When I sobered up for good, I had a lot of time to think about myself and my self-worth, which I underestimated and took advantage of brutally. I'm still in the fog but I can see clearer enough to realize that I've gotten a second chance. I should be thankful for it. In fact, I've gotten many chances and look at the situation now: I have a great job which has opened up MANY doors for me to take advantage of, I'm sober so I can take my classes seriously again, i can now appreciate the support I've always gotten, I have a wonderful best friend who believes in me more than I believe in myself and who reminds me that I can forge ahead. I can't predict the future, but call me crazy I can't imagine it without completing my to-do list.

With that said, what do I need to focus on next...? I'd like to try and shadow at Hopkins and start making some contacts there. Problem is, since I work until 5pm, it will be hard to do. Practices often close around that time... Eh, I'll check it out.
I should also start hitting the books again. Can't let the rust form.



My friend's ex-fiance is finished playing video games downstairs. Time to watch Ghost Hunters.


I have to post this clip, it makes me smile and it's dedicated to my bff. Apparently I've been Beekerized.

Completely Exhausted

I had a 17 hour day. I woke up at 5:20am with this weird amount of energy that I haven't been used to for a while. The usual story is that I sleep until about 10am then roll out of bed, have coffee, do a few things around the apartment and then take a nap around 1pm because I'm "so tired"... That was back when I really wasnt myself anyways. Nevertheless, I woke up psyched this morning. My friend who I am staying with left for work at 6am, her ex fiance (who she still lives with - i know...) left for work at 5:30am. I was out the door by 6:45.

The drive to my orientation was bearable but I guess after not having a car at my disposal for 4 months, it's all relative. I'll be honest, orientation was boring as shit. At least some of it was. I can't imagine tomorrow being a circus thrill either...

During the second half, they administered our vaccines. They stuck me in my poor arm three times. TB, TDap, and flu vac.
:o(

I am, however, thrilled that the company can reimburse us for any courses that we wish to take. This is big. Why? Because things are starting to fit together juuuust right. Here is my rationale: If all works out with this job, I can finally retake my pre-reqs as I had planned - I'll add sprinkles to my cupcake and say I'll retake them at Johns Hopkins too - work will reimburse, I can take the courses because I'll still be working, Hopkins is right down the block, and I can finally get the grades I need!!!! Brilliant!!

All this of course is a bit down the road. Doesn't hurt to plan a bit though... I mean, I do have an ultimate to do list....

New Developments! and some reflections...

Alright.

There have been a few diversions. I recently accepted a job as a research associate at Kennedy Krieger Institute in Baltimore. It's on Johns Hopkins Med Center campus. In addition to this (which i will be starting on Monday!), I'm still going full speed with my EMT class. I'm still thrilled about that too despite the fact that I got a full time job. Oh my god, a full time job.

I'm looking into local (i.e. baltimore) fire departments where I can make myself useful one I get established in Baltimore. In the meantime, I'm staying with a friend in the outer burbs of the city. I have my car here, so I can commute to and from her house until I find an apartment. Oh, that also means that I'll have internet again!! I wont have to sit in the bathroom anymore to get connection.

Okay, so even though things aren't moving along exactly as I had intended, at least things are moving. Ha, listen to me..."as I had intended" Do we even actually "intend" on things to happen or is everything already planned out for us? I guess our "planning" we do just makes us think we are in control. I definitely thought I was. Like I had it all figured out. A timeline and everything. When I was little, I even made a timeline outlining the life I would have in the future, carefully planned decade by decade down to the city I lived in and exactly how I took my coffee. Bullshit. Might as well put it all in a blender.

I think the only thing that has stayed the same with the way I live my life now is that I still sleep with a stuffed animal. He understands.

I remember just about two years ago, when I was in NY, my dad had come to visit and take care of some business in town. We got to talking about "my life." Which, to me was always code for: "What are you ever going to make of yourself and why are you such a wasted talent?" Of course, that kind of talk always spirals into some sort of yelling match.

I'm always too scared to express what I want to accomplish because he always has a great way of making me feel like there is no way I'd ever achieve it.
Our conversation went something like this:

"What do you want to do with yourself?"

*get straight A's in all my classes, ace the MCATs, go to a top notch med school, specialize in pathology and be the happiest person ever.*
"I'm going to finish my science courses. I told you."

"Finish them?"

"Yes ... I - "

"What makes you think you can finish them this time?"

*because I'm older now and I know better than to let you emotionally bludgeon me anymore*

"...dunno."

His face turns red and gets tight with anger. "You CANT finish them! You FAIL all the time!!" He leans in and repeats.

"I CAN finish them!" I scream back.

"No you CANT!"

"Yes I CAN!"

"You CANT, you CANT, you CANT!! You're a NOTHING don't you GET it??!"

This time he's standing up, two inches from my face. Instead of ripping my head off, he grabs my green ceramic flower pot, the one I bought at my favorite art store, and hurls it against the wall across the room. It ricochets off the wooden loft post and explodes into dozens of pieces. I start to cry and stammer my protests.

With blurry eyes, I bend down and start picking up the pieces one by one, carefully, my hands shaking between gasps. As if it couldn't be anymore convenient, my dads cell phone rings. He answers it on it's second shrill and disappears down the hallway. I go and get the vacuum and like my life, I carefully try to clean up the mess.

Bladensburg

So this will be a short entry because I'm really really tired... I went back to Station 9 in Bladensburg.

Engine engine number 9.....

I did all my preliminary paperwork, I got my fingerprints taken care of, so now I just have to wait until all of that goes through. They said worst case scenario, by Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving?? It's Oct 9th, that seems like ages away. Well, what can i do? I have no control over it. At least it'll be taken care of.

As far as my assessment ridealongs for class, I'm going to one station on Sunday, then another one on Monday. If I'm lucky, I'll get my 5 calls completed in two sessions. It just depends on how busy the stations are those days.

Oh back to Station 9, I went over there after class, which means i arrived (a metro and two bus rides later) at about 11pm. The house was pretty quiet, people were heading to bed. There are a few rooms, but there are also a few bunks. I brought with me a blanket and a towel. I wasnt %100 prepared but i ended up using the towel as my sheet that covered the mattress, my hoodie as a pillow and my throw blanket to put over me. I dozed off around 1:30, but was awaken at around 5am to the fire alarm. I'm not fire so it wasnt my call. I'm still getting used to the bells but 1 long bell is EMT, 2 is the engine, 3 is the truck, and 4 means "dump the house."
You get the idea.


We ran two calls that morning. One guy was in a hypertensive crisis, blood pressure 201/115. I had no idea how he was still able to talk to us, although his mental status was unstable, his vision blurred, overall not in good condition. The second call was a young gentleman who had just had his third seizure. Poor guy. We took him in too.

Cant think of a good title

I'm sitting in my bathroom now because this is the only place in my apt where i can "steal" internet long enough to take care of the few things I need to take care of. I'm going to try and blog more frequently though...I can feel things pilling up in my head and what better way to decompress.

Anyways, so I started my EMT course already.. Its been about a month and a half so far and I'm REALLY enjoying it. We seem to be covering so much every time we meet. The interesting thing about that is that emergency medicine protocols seem to be changing constantly, especially in Maryland. I didnt know that the first organized EMS service began in Maryland as well. Anyhow, most of the people in my class are great except for the few who dont know their ass from their elbow. (I keep forgetting that you dont need a 4 year degree -which I have - to become an EMT)

So part of the deal is that we have to get affiliated with a fire station before we get certified. If not, its like becoming a chef with no place to cook. Or becoming a doctor with no office in which to practice. Or becoming an actor with no stage!! Or -

Ive been in contact with a fire house in Bladensburg, MD. They are heavy on volunteering too, which is great. Next week, I'm going to stop in, meet the Fire Chief, do a few ride alongs, fill out the paperwork, and cross my fingers. As time goes on, the more exciting this all gets.... !

I havent strayed off my Path, by the way. I'm just taking a detour. Strengthening my experiences if you will. Besides, as a raging alcoholic, how much could I have accomplished? I feel reformed and ready to forge ahead with what I had started years ago.

Now, time for lunch.

:)

Geeze, my posts certainly have become far and few between. My excuse is because I dont have internet at my new place and it's a pain in the ass to keep going to the internet cafe. No really, its true. Oh, I moved to Washington DC. I needed to sever myself from Miami. What a malignant place Miami is...

DC is great so far, I'm glad I made the move. I figured I need a clean slate. I'm going to start from scratch I guess. The last plan I had was that I was going to retake ALL of my pre-reqs and then go from there... I just want things to be more...cohesive. I dont feel comfortable with scattered classes, scattered grades, scattered attempts. It looks sloppy.

Anyways, so here I am in the nations capitol trying to get by. I have 2 restaurant jobs now. Aside from free meals and meeting new people everyday, it can wear on me. The money is just - EH. Just, eh.. I'm starting my EMT course in the fall at the local CC. After two semesters, then I'll be able to get a stable job (If I dont find one before then)

It's scary how hard it is to get a job. I have a degree, experience, work ethic... But it's who you know, especially in DC... shit it's all about shmoozing and oozing and boozing here with the right people. That is like a job in itself.

New Start?

Hello again. So, its official. I've moved to DC. Why? For many reasons.. but to keep with the theme of this blog, I'll just highlight that I'm going to be retaking my pre-reqs all over again. All. Over. Again. New start, new city, and hopefully a new chance. I'm going to do this at a much slower pace though because, hopefully I'll be working so I'll be able to take courses in the evening...

For starters, I'm pretty sure I can go ahead and finish up the two classes that I have left first. That way, worse comes to worse, I'll at least have everything accounted for.

I've been on the job hunt since I've been here... Something is bound to stick, but it's not easy. More to come on the job situation...


In the meantime, i should get some sleep. It's 4:18am. This is about the same time I went to sleep yesterday because my friends dogs drove me nuts. One was going back and forth between dry heaving and snoring, the other threw up near the foot of my bed and had to pee at 4am. It was a nightmare. Lets try this again....

Changes

Back again.

There have been a lot of new developments lately. As I think I had mentioned in my older posts, I had been taking Calc I and planned on taking immunology and organic II over the summer. It would have been quite a load. Toward the end of the summer, I would have ended up taking all three classes back to back. I'm definitely not having that...

To go along with the impending academic doom, my family life has me consistently on the verge of nervous breakdowns. We are like oil and water under this roof...The balking and bantering is emotionally crippling and I cant seem to repair my damaged conscience with all this negativity around. Oh, I forgot to mention, I moved back in with my parents (I feel like I'm adding coal to the fire with my teeth by moving back in) - Not to worry though because it's for a few days - a few days before I move to Washington DC. Yes, I'm moving. Why? Because it's about time I do something for myself, bring myself to a new avenue, give myself a chance to start over and do something the right way for a change. I need new surroundings, new faces, new air. I also need to cancel my pity party, return the dunce hat, and grow up.

So, the move is underway. I have 90% of my junk packed, my furniture moved and set up, clothes packed, cosmetics boxed. I dont have a job lined up though. I've been applying to a great deal of places over the past few weeks, hopeful and eager. I got an email from a professor at Georgetown Univ. Med Center in the neuroscience department asking me if I'd be available for an interview. If only!!! I told him that I was out of town until the 30th... it's too bad that he was only holding interviews until the 26th. Hey, GUMC isn't chop liver. I feel good that I was chosen for an interview, makes me hopeful for other potential jobs. I just have to stay positive.



Four days and counting.

:)

Wow its been a while since I've updated... a lot sure has gone on...
I'm not going to officially update now because I'm extremely tired, but i just thought that i'd indicate that I'm alive and well.

Part of my neglect to update was due to the fact that I havent had internet at my place. But Im back online, so thats a huge plus.

Be back soon...

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished.

Welcome back, me.

I wish I had a slew of good news to update with. I really really do. For starters, I now have 2 new roomates and the original roomate, John, he left a few days ago. He left in a thick cloud of dust and smoke. Why? Because he felt the urge to cancel the power, light, water, and take the damn internet router with him. (I'm on one of the computers on campus now.) At least he left some good steaks in the fridge.

My new roommates are...interesting. One is a pet groomer at PetSmart and the other guy, all I know is that he's from Portland Oregon (God.) Anyways, the petgroomer doesnt have a car, so of course I was nice enough to lend him my (very expensive and very beloved) bike. Two days later, I get a call from him and he tells me that the bike was stolen. Stolen. Sto. Len. No good deed goes unpunished I guess... I actually cried, thats how attached I was to my bike. When I got home, there was a note for me on the white board that read:

Hey.. I left an "I'm sorry" gift for you to next to the fridge...

I thought, if it doesnt have two wheels and a handlebar, then i'm not interested.

It was a 12 pack of Corona. I didnt know whether to laugh or cry - again.




I've never mentioned my drinking problem in my posts before. Mainly, because I found it to be relatively out of context with the main topic of this blog. I think I can finally admit to making a correlation between my drinking and my horrible academic failures. I think I'm punishing myself... I'm an alcoholic and yet I have this crazy notion that I think I have a chance at being academically successful by going to class with my blood raging with alcohol. It's no wonder that I havent been making any progress. Not to mention, I can probably count the amount of brain cells I have left on one hand. My therapist tells me that once I take the appropriate actions, physical actions, to staunch my cravings (i.e. go to meetings, keep a dry house), then the mental, the psychological repairs will follow.

I'll admit, I'm not doing everything in my power to help myself. And I know I should. My pet groomer roomate drinks like a fish. Not helping. We went to a karaoke bar last night. Tuesdays are always somewhat dead there, but thats not a bad thing. He actually got me to sing a few songs. It was interesting being out of my element. I swore I would never sing karaoke unless the first song was Alanis Morrisettes, "Uninvited."

Guess which song came on when the pet groomer grabbed my arm and dragged me to the mic?



In other news, I have my first calc test this coming Monday. I've already been familiar with the material having taken the class before, but I'm still going to bug my tutor for a little extra help. Thanks in advance.

In the research world, I am proud to say that we are finally publishing the study that we have been working on, in the Society for Neuroscience Journal. :o) !! Glad to end this post on a good note.

I'm back

Okay, so I've finally gathered myself enough to sit down and update a little bit. I got over the shock factor of how horrible my semester went. But now I can go to sleep tonight on the eve of my summer session, and feel a tiny bit more at ease. Just a tiny bit.

I'm working two jobs now. Finally. I was happy with the one job but when I realized that the money wasn't really there, I decided to see if I could maybe find something else... .

I popped into this restaurant that I've been to a few times, an Irish place. - I heard that they are under new management so I figured, what the heck, lets check it out. I gave him my resume, we chatted for a bit, and he told me to come back the next day. Today was my third time back and it's an official hire. Yay! I'm working again tomorrow at 7PM. That place is open till 5am but thankfully, he only has me there tomorrow until 10, for starters. I think the plan is that once i'm trained, I'll be doing the 7pm-5am shift - not every day of course.

On the other end of the job spectrum, that bike shop is giving me trouble now. See, every time someone walks into that shop, I lose the customer because I dont speak spanish. It's frustrating (and unfair). I've lost a good chunk of sales because of this communication gap. This is how is usually goes:

Customer walks in, I approach with my scripted greeting:

Customer: "Hi! Ju espeak paneesh?"
Me: *pause* "No. I'm sorry.. i dont.."
Customer * smile fades, looking almost insulted * : "...oh ok." *walks to another employee and winds up buying a $600 bike*

Gotta love this country.

There is a much different crowd of people at the restaurant so I'll have better luck there... I know working 2 jobs and my nemesis: calculu, will be a pain to take on all at once, but lets see how it goes. I wont let things unravel. I'll quit my job at the bike shop if need be but I do need the money. I've gone way too long on daddy's coattail.


Speaking about bikes, it's time for my evening ride. Till next time.

Still Here...

Just thought I would make a little update post. I'm still alive and around.... I have so much to update, its crazy. For now, I'm going to get a good nights sleep.... I'm incredibly tired.

May 10th I start my first summer class...

Lets see how that goes...

The semester is over!!

I actually haven't checked my grades yet :( I'm too nervous... I feel like I did the best I could, tried to get the help I needed... Did it pay off? I have no idea yet. I know I did well in neuroscience but the rest will have to remain a mystery until I can muster up the courage to check my grades.

Anyways, I'm on vacation now until the summer session starts... I'm glad I'll have time to read my books, paint, go biking, get my head together, relax..

I havent been shadowing for a few weeks. I definitely haven't have time to do that but at least I've been making it to the lab. They've finally trained me on how to do the perfusion in the mice. It's pretty gory though and much harder than it looks. I'll get the hang of it. I gave myself a B- for my first try. Everything from cutting through the abdomen to perfusing the little guy with fixative went well, but I accidentally took a chunk out of its brain when I was trying to remove it. For perfect imaging, you need a perfectly intact brain. Good thing it was a practice mouse. Either way, i'm learning a lot of valuable skills in this lab. I cant wait until my headband magnifiers arrive ;)

One more week!

The past two semesters have completely flown by already. I asked myself today if I'm satisfied with my performance thus far. I quickly answered, no. The good news is, I cant say I didnt work hard because I did. Whenever I didnt get the grade I wanted, I would tell myself, well, I'll just have to work harder , thats all. No biggie. Increase study time, change study methods, go to the library, read at home, make notecards, study guides, brew some more coffee....

....spend more time at the library, meet professor during office hours...it never ends.

I suppose everyone has a certain capacity to which they can perform. Maybe I've reached my capacity. If this is it, then I have no excuse not to feel sorry for myself. Or as my tutor so candidly told me to "go drown in my pity hole." Sorry, but I wear floaties.
Between having absolutely no support system, the family drama that I've been going through, and me being terribly hard on myself, it's no wonder that I feel like throwing in the towel. I'm tired, disappointed, and I'm only getting older. How old will I be before I actually pass physics?

On a better note, I've connected with another physics professor who has agreed to help me a little bit next week. He's a really nice guy and he's helped me before. The thing is if we do it on monday, the only time he has available is 8:15AM. Like I said, I'm tired. That means I would have to get up at around 7 so I can start biking at 7:30 (my car is in the shop.) I remember when 7AM was actually late for me but now if feels like the weight of the world is on my head when I have to open my eyes before 8:30.

What else...?

Oh, I started applying for a few jobs, you know, just for a mini head start. I told myself that if I can get a good job, I'll withdraw from my summer classes and work full-time. The good news is that none of the classes that I'm taking over the summer are pre-reqs. Im planning on taking Calc, Stats, and an elective for my bio degree. If I can get "that job" then the bio degree can wait. Honestly.

Anyways, I'm exhausted.... I biked 15 miles yesterday and I'm still feeling the pain. The only good news about my car being
in the shop is that I get a hell of a lot more exercise without it.

Goodnight.

Finals Week is soon!!

Also on another note, I've registered for my summer classes:

Stats II, Calc I, and Intermediate Physiology (which is my upper div elective that I still need to take)

Good news, I'm taking calculus at a different college not too far away. Calc is still calc no matter where I take it, yes, but hopefully at this alternate college, it's going to be as tolerable as they say it is.

My schedule is a bit twisted too... Intermediate Physiology is 6:40am - 9:30am, then I have to drive across town to get to calc which starts at 10:45 until noon I think. THEN, I have to go BACK to my university for Stats II at 2pm. Lots of back and forth driving but I didnt have much of a choice. Also, apparently they offer Intermediate Physiology and Physiology II, which seems to be the same thing to me. I've already taken Phys II before, so Intermediate shouldnt be that much of a shocker.

Somewhere in between all of that Im going to try and find a job. I wont have a full load so I'm hopeful.
Anyways, thats the outlook for the summer - I just have to get through this month.....

Back from vacation!

Anyways, so I just thought I would update briefly.. Nothing all too exciting happened this week... Aside from my classes stressing me out, I've had the month from hell thanks to my car accident and all the drama that followed. I'm incredibly ready for this semester to be over with...I want to go back on vacation dammit.

All that is on the agenda this afternoon is finishing up my neuro lab report, which shouldnt be too painful. I'm 80% finished. Then Im going to work on a little bit of physics - then I'm going to throw myself on my bed and cry until I fall asleep. When I wake up, I will have finished all of my classes with flying colors and will never have to look back at orgo or physics ever again.. mwuahaha...

Time for lunch. I'm defrosting some steak so that should tide me over. Later this evening, I'm going to go biking with a friend. We arent doing trails this time, just a few loops around the neighborhood. Lately that has been one heck of a great stress reliever for me.

Time for a little breather.

Aside from traveling with my best friend, I dont remember the last time I went on a trip with someone else who was close to me. Tomorrow morning, the boyfriend and I are boarding an early early flight (7:25AM) to the west coast. Californians are not my favorite people, but never mind them. We are going there to enjoy Napa Valley, not the hair-flipping, omg-ing, finger snapping people.

I'm looking forward to the Bed and Breakfast experience again and that lovely jacuzzi in our asian-themed hotel in San Francisco. Then there's the Fishermans Wharf, which I must visit again. I remember going there when I was younger. Aside from being crammed in with the rest of the tourists, the views were gorgeous. Oh yes, the sharp angle of the streets are still vivid and how looking up at them made me feel like throwing up. Coming from a place where the highest point in the state is probably the first landing of my staircase, San Francisco is hard to swallow.

I'm going to be bringing my neuro packets and my physics book with me. The best and the worst of this semester, in one bag, in my face, during my vacation. Ugh. Whatever it takes, right?

..practice, practice, practice...



Carry-On Check List:
-pleasure reading book
-physics and neuro book
-contact lens and case
-wallet
-sunglasses
-phone and phone charger
-camera
-snack
-small bottle of lotion
-headphones
-little blow up neck pillow
-deck of cards
-1 pen, 1 pencil
-scrap paper

Adieu.

Research

Well, amidst the rubble, there seems to be a gem somewhere. The highlight of my day is that my boss in the research lab told me that he wants to run a study with myself and the new kid - we'll call him Dave.

Dave has only been with the lab for a few weeks. I've been there since September, so with him joining up, the responsibility falls on me to make sure he's on track. Dont mind it at all.

I'm really lucky to have the opportunity to participate in this especially since I'm a volunteer. Usually all that volunteers wind up doing is brewing espresso and cleaning up messes. I have been given the opportunity to run my own study, how's that for a change?? :) Also, i'm going to be first author in this study that the boss has proposed. Of course I'm always looking to him for guidance but lately, he's been shifting the spotlight on me. No pressure right?

So the name of the study hasnt been set in stone yet, but here are my ideas:

Cerebral Vascular Branching Patterns of the Anterior Cerebral Artery and Middle Cerebral Artery in BULB/C and C576J mice.

OR

Comparison of Collateral Vasculature in BULB/C and C576J mice.

OR..

Anterior Cerebral Artery and Middle Cerebral Artery territories of BULB/C and C576J mice.

They all sound quite snazzy. Personally, I'm leaning toward the first title, since it is the most accurate. This Wednesday, we are meeting with a clinician, a neurosurgeon specifically, who can put this project into perspective a bit more for us.

:)

"You might be passing your classes, but your failing at life!!"

That seemed to have been the quote of the day from my ever supporting parents. I wont really get into WHY they said that because I'd prob have to start a whole new blog to explain it. Lets just say this:

I got into a car accident the other day - parents aren't happy. Okay, I fucked up. But honestly, thats life - fucking up, and learning from it. In my opinion, you're only wrong if you don't learn from your mistakes.

Tonight I feel so incredibly drained....after such a long, drama-filled day, I haven't the energy to study even though I know I should. I'm on edge like crazy. I've bitten my fingernails to the bone and they are all throbbing because of how much i've gnawed on the same raw, bloody spots. I've taken my Lexapro, my Wellbutrin, and I'm going to pop my Atenolol before I go to sleep.
Mind = 2, heart = 1, emotional bubble = 0. My head cant be in 4 different places though, I need to chill. I want to watch a movie. I want to sit in bed with dessert for once, and watch a fucking movie.

My dad reiterated this afternoon during his ranting and raving that I'm "lying to myself" by telling my bf that I want to go to medical school. See the problem here? Dad still doesnt think I"m capable of getting into medical school ....so because i tell my bf my goals, I'm now a "liar." I would LOVE to know how to deal with this shit. I would LOVE to have someone who is close to me tell me that they believe in what I'm capable of, rather than put money on when and how I'm going to FAIL.

Faraday has spoken.

And I think he was laughing at me the entire time I was taking my physics exam. I could imagine his sunken eyes and floppy hair and him pointing and laughing at me (and more than half of the rest of the class) while I tried to apply his equations. Physics has never been and will never be my thing. However, it still managed to take over my day.

This morning: I play hooky from class so I can have more time to study... I was stuck on this one problem... something about finding E1 and E2....Kirchoff. The new bane of my existence. Anyhow, i went over that a few times to no avail. Guess what was worth 20 points on my test? Yup.

I head to school at 11:30: I got in my car with my leftover chinese carton of spicy beef, and peeled out of my driveway. I had hoped to make it to class so I could get a nice cozy seat in the back and of course, when I walked in, the place was packed. I found a semi-cozy spot though.

The test: It was 15 questions of multiple choice, which were a little easier than the first exam, and 3 short answer questions which seemed to be all the same to me. There was a girl who was sitting to my left who had this system going on with the girl behind me. In spanish no less. I couldnt figure out who was giving who the answers. There was a lot of funny business going on. One girl had an 8X10 cheat sheet on the floor next to her, another guy had all the formulas on the back of his calculator. I'm sure there was a lot of other stuff that I didnt see....

Home: I'm exhausted. I actually think I"m coming down with something. I've been stuffy for the past 2 days, hocking dark yellow loogies, and fighting headaches. I heated up some leftover chinese food, I'm satiated, so now I think it's time I lay down.

Next up: Moms bday dinner tomorrow night, so that will take my mind off of things for a bit. Cell bio exam next friday (which I think will be postponed because all the others have been) Also depending on how much we cover in Orgo will determine whether or not we will have our exam before or after spring break.

The night before

At home: Can I possibly be anymore nervous than I've already been for my 2nd physics exam? (This is my study break by the way...) I've been going crazy practicing problems, reading as much as I can. I mean, I've gone back and forth between chapters I feel like theres nothing more I can do. I know I need to work harder, but I dont want to overdo it either. Part of me wants to stay up until 2AM working problems, reading concepts over and over, but I know that would do more harm than good. I need to be well rested. I need to be refreshed, coherent, and running on gas, not fumes. It's not incredibly late at the moment.. It's a little after 10PM and I think I can squeeze in some organic chem. I'm debating on whether or not I should go to that class tomorrow. I know, I know, NOT a good idea but here's the trade-off: I play hooky so I can have that much more time to study for physics. - Either that or I catch up on much needed sleep...

On campus: I'm still pretty annoyed that I STILL have no idea what grades I've been getting in Cell Bio. How hard is it to send a damn email?? This guy has been telling me for almost 2 weeks (even after a few personal reminders) that he's going to send the grades to my personal address. Has he? Course not. It's too much to ask for a simple thing around here anyways...

There was a rumor that for our physics exam, we were allowed to bring our own formula sheet. How awesome would that be? I'm doubtful that it's true but a fellow classmate insisted.. So, for verification, I thought I would go to the source. I emailed my physics professor to double check and have been waiting for a reply. Has he? Course not. It's too much to ask for a --



Anyways, on a more uplifting note, I'm starting to go biking again. :) The medication that I'm on has kind of erased any bit of endurance that I've ever had, but I'm feeling better now. Besides it's a good idea that I get some exercise once in a while. I also bought the bf a bike for his birthday so at least I'll have a biking buddy.

Study break officially over. I will report back once this demonic physics test is over with.

Friday, where are you?? Hug me.

I was on edge..

...but thankfully bounced back. I was seriously considering aborting mission. I've just been so overwhelmed lately. Sometimes reality smacks me over the head and I cant help asking myself if I'm making the right decisions. So then I sulk a little bit, throw a pity party, and remember that just because classes are hard and some professors are horrible, doesnt mean I should give up.

*physics class*

Students: wait wait go back to the last slide
Professor: why?...
Students: uh so we can copy it down....
Professor:what is there to copy? Just write the main points and fill in the blanks when you get home!

Fill in the blanks?? I'm sorry did I hear him correctly? Fill. In. The. Blanks? Blanks?? Please correct me if I'm mistaken but i thought the BLANKS were the part where he is supposed to actually TEACH.

See? This is what I have to deal with. *shakes head*

On a good note, I had success finding another doctor to shadow. I havent been making it to the neurologist lately because the times he wants me to come, has been conflicting with the time that I"m supposed to be at the lab. Next week I"ll be able to make it to shadow because I'll be going to the lab on Tuesday, not Monday.
Anyways, back to the new shadowing. I sent a nice email to this doc explaining my intentions and here is what he wrote me back:

I would be happy to accommodate you. Let’s try and meet so that we can discuss in detail what you have in mind. I am available on Tuesdays for the next two weeks. Please be in contact with my administrative assistant, (insert name), to set up a time,

Respecfully,
Dr. (insert another name...).

Booyah. I'll be my own dern pre-med society. Everything that I've worked toward, I've gotten. Myself. It's hard being a one man show though, I cant expect to do all of this alone, I know.
But lets see if I can get what I"m ultimately working toward.

Moving right along...

What luck I have!! My cell bio exam has been postponed until next week. I could really use the few extra days to prepare... I spent so much time studying for my neurosci exam (which I will get to in just a moment), that I neglected many of my other subjects.

I'm finally on the ball again with organic chem. We are diving right into reactions of benzene and aromaticity. Not too bad... Ha, but I say that now. I dont know what the hell it is with that class that makes it so hard for me to pass. It's beyond me. Anyways, I've started working on practice problems and have been meeting up with a classmate to practice. Doing what I can.... I tried to get in touch with my tutor today, but yet again, she's on the fritz.

My neuroscience exam was a bit scary... I had a feeling it would be though. There was just an insane amount of information this time... and I'll have to admit, there was some funny business going on during the exam. Our 100 year old professor apparently has declining vision and hearing - poor guy. But there were definitely people that took advantage of that...if you know what I mean... It seemed like there were several covert operations in the works. I noticed one. A girl a few seats from me asked her (apparently brilliant) friend behind her to take 2 scantron sheets as they were passed around. The plan was that she would fill out the scantron and pass it back to the other girl who would fill in her name and claim it as her own paper. Wow. Just - wow.
That was quite a distraction for me because I couldnt help but notice the four or five times she tried to get the scantron back to that girl. Must plan it at the right moment, when the professor is turned, when someone walks up to him and asks him a question, when he blinks, for godsakes anything. Oddly enough they carried out the handoff when he was directly infront of her. It seemed like he was watching them do it.

Well I'm not perfect either. I'll admit, I have been guilty of some unconventional practices in my time....but what happened today completely takes the cake. I'm not talking about glancing over once or twice at someones paper, I'm talking about flat out getting a pre-filled in scantron!! Nutty.

On a better note, I'm actually considering taking calculus at a different local college. It might give me a better chance of doing well in the class, least of all passing it... It's worth a try. I've heard from many people that the math department at my school is way below par anyhow. On top of that, unfairly hard.

Will I finally make it to the D.O tomorrow? I have so much to do!!
I'll sleep on it and decide in the morning....

Sundays..

This morning I woke up to my phone vibrating in my face. It was a text from my mom telling me that she had to take dad to the hospital early this morning. Why? He'd just returned from Equador with his friends and they thnk he might have contracted a bug. Before my mom stuffed him into the car, she told me she tried to give him fluids but they'd wind up pouring out of all orifaces. Thanks for that visual mom.
So at the hospital, dad was treated to several IV bags, antibiotics, and for good measure, ab and chest imaging which both came out negative.

With some antibiotics and rest, he'll be back to his old grumpy, demeaning self in no time. Yay!! .......*blink*

The rest of my "peaceful and relaxing" Sunday has consisted of physics, neuroscience, and a good mop around the house. My roomates dog, who has been staying with us for the last few days, absolutely stinks. I had to take matters into my own hands and clean up a bit while he was getting his walk. Oh how I love the fresh scent of gardenia Mistolin.

Sad news, btw: my fish, Om Nom Snackpack Zimmerman, died today. Oh he was quit an inspiration... One of the few living things on the planet that never gave me attitude. Good bye Om Nom.

Roomate: hey Tori? *from downstairs*
Me: *snaps out of my daydream* ...yes??
Roomate: ....Your fish is dead.
Me: (shit!) SHIT! Aw man really?? Dammit om nom...!

Sure enough, there lay om nom, on his back in the now toxic, murky yellow water...
Me: *taking him to the bathroom* totally ditched me, my man...no fair. Nice knowing ya. Bye.
((flush))

Roomate: let the tank soak with a little bleach, soap, and water.
Me: ....k

Now back to figuring out the magnetic force and torque on a current loop. Then I'll dive back into the world of the spinal cord. Test this Wednesday!!!

Is the cat too big?

She's a sharp one. My tutor, I mean. Last night, in my lame attempt at being coy, I asked her what classes she thought I was taking. She responded: " cell bio, physics, neuroscience, neuroscience lab, stats......and....." she looked at me, "Orgo II."

D'oh!!

I've been found out. I guess trying to hide my big, white organic book as she sits down next to me isn't slick enough. And I must have also forgotten that she is capable of sniffing out an organic book from clear across town.

Thankfully, she's not upset, at least I don't think she is. Well, aleast, I hope she's not.

Cell bio today was a thrill to say the least. Why? Not because I get a kick out of hearing about phagocytosis for the 20th time, but because the prof awarded everyone who showed up today, extra points on our next test. Apparently only like 1/3 of the students have been coming. Cmon people, go to class!

I'm waiting for my tilapia to bake... Parmasean crusted, I may add. In the mean time, I'm going to read about the brain stem.

Tonight I celebrate the boatload of studying that I will have completed with sushi!!

Friday!!

The week is over!! My orgo test is finally behind me! The only problem I had during my exam, aside from C-NMR and H-NMR, which still baffles me (and I cant guarantee I'll never see them again), the guy sitting next to me would not stop burping hot dogs. Hands down, aside from eggs, burping hot dogs is the WORST. And I had to sit next to this guy for an hour and 45 min. I was about to stab him in the throat with my pencil. Ok thats a lie.

Well, the last time I felt a huge sense of relief coupled with overwhelming fatigue over finally making it to Friday was then I worked in NYC at that book publishing company. By the end of the week, I was so hollow and worn, it was like I was made up of a thin mesh frame that had synthetic skin stretched over it with eyes that were programed to blink every 2 minutes. Sitting at home, comfortable in my room, I feel human again and now that I'm finally relaxing, I've decided to speed up the process with a lovely glass of riesling. Ahh....

Unfortunately, I wont be able to relax for long. I have to take a shower and head over to this neurology social with the bf. Good thing it's not that far... Im not in the mood to drive too far. I'd love to take a nap before I get ready but lately, I've gotten into the not so good habit of closing my eyes at 4:15, opening them at 4:25 and telling myself "5 more minutessss....", and then the next time I open my eyes, its 6:30. Cant do that anymore.

As much as I'd like to not go anywhere near my books this weekend, I have to keep in mind how important it is for me to stay on top of my subjects. Okay, if anything, I'll skim. I dont want to have to scramble to catch up to anything. Oy, that reminds me... I havent gone to neurosci in a few days :( Fine, well, 2 classes. I have an excuse: I missed them because I went to the library to study for my other tests....... That is legit right?? Gotta make those sacrifices.

Anyways, despite the rain and fatigue, I'm going to go get freshened up any enjoy my evening. Happy Friday :)

Day #4

It's almost over!!! 2 down and 2 more to go! Specifically, Statistics and then Organic Chem.

Dear Statistics,

I feel very comfortable around you and I enjoy the times we spend together. I'm glad we've been off to a good start and I hope it continues that way. Cant wait for our date tomorrow!

With love,
Tori



Dear Organic Chem,

I know we've had some ups and downs in the past, but this time I'm willing to make it work, and I hope you are too. It's been years and after all this time, I think we've learned a lot about each other... we might not be completely compatible but I'm alright with at least being friends if you'd agree to that. Are you excited to see me on Friday? I hope we'll be able to talk without getting into a fight.

See you then,
Tori

Day #1

Yes. This is day #1 of my insane test week. I had my first quiz today, which I scored 100% on.. So proud. Tomorrow I have my cell bio test. Delta G. Delta H. Enthapy, entropy. proteins, enzymes, catalysts... I have mixed feelings toward this exam. i'm not a fan of calculations. I'm really not. At least I read all the chapters. I understand the concepts....We'll See.

I spent 7 hours in the library today. Okay, with two pee breaks and a phone call. I managed to squeeze in cell bio, statistics, physics, and organic chem. I did minimal physics because I"m more concerned about my stat and organic test this week.

I'll come clean here. I'll be perfectly honest. This is the 4th time I'm taking organic chemistry. The fourth.

Pay close attention. I'm going to pass it this time.

There is one guy in my class who apparently was accepted into Johns Hopkins Med School - only one of the best med schools in the country, thank you very much. ... He's in my neurosci class and is a friend of a friend. I really wonder, everyday, what on earth is he doing taking neurosci when he's already accepted into JHM?! Okay, maybe he wants want to brush up on a few things. I can respect that. But his attitude. Oh, his attitude. Holier than thou. It sickens me..... Congratulations you've gotten into JHM and you are surrounded by people who wish they got in, too. Take your acceptance, go buy an ice cream, and watch Adult Swim.

There is another girl in my class who was accepted into Temple University Dental School. I'm happy for her. :) I went to Temple Univ. for half of my undergrad. It's a great school... too bad she's completely petrified of Philly. I loved it there. But I guess its something you have to slowly get used to...Its like moving to NYC from Kansas.

I truly cannot wait until this week is over. I have a neurology resident social that my bf is taking me to on friday, then over the weekend I have Valentines Day to celebrate! It's going to be a busy few days :)

Just a few changes.

So I've decided to make some changes to this blog. I'm going to take out one major thing: complaining. Thats right folks, there will be much less complaining, much less negativity, and much less bitching. I know not every day is going to be a bowl of cherries, but the least I can do is try to not dwell on things that are going to bring me down. I need to stay mentally focused and positive.

On that note, this afternoon, I'm taking the day off from shadowing because of the huge amount of work I have in store for me. Four tests, no time to play.

Oh, for the third time, I visited my professors office for some physics help. I wasnt surprised that he didnt show up, but the good news is that I was able to get help from another professor who shared his office and also taught physics. See? Things worked out well. :)

I received a text message finally from my tutor. Okay so I'll admit, we became friends during the process and I guess things can get wierd when you are friends with your tutor. The formality kind of dissipates but you still have to respect that teacher/student relationship. It's like hanging out with your professor at a club after class on a friday night. Things can get tangled. In my case, I think it did, which is why I havent heard from her in weeks.
I'd even texted her several times....

First time: Hrm.. I guess she's still sick and doesnt want to be bothered....I'll try again later..

Second time: Maybe she is having issues with her phone, or maybe she is back at work and is too tired to talk or text when she gets home. Eh, I dont blame her...

Third time: What if something happened?? .... She hasnt been well, she has no car, iffy financial situation.... gah!!

*I see our mutual friend on campus the next day and find out that she is in fact alive and well....*

Fouth time: Okay, this is bullshit. I'm guessing I must have done something wrong for her to not want to talk to me at this point.. I mean, at least tell me what I did wrong!!

Fifth time: I miss you..

Sixth time: You know, the least you can do is give me the courtesy of telling me what is going on. Thats all I ask. If you dont want to talk to me, fine. Thats your choice, but pl-ease be a human being and reason with me. Then you can go on with your life without me in it if you so choose...

THEN, then I finally get a text from her.

Tutor: Hey. . . . I"m on campus now if you want to talk. . .
Me: (to myself) Are you KIDDING me?! After all that? Do I want to talk on campus? REALLY? Amateur. After the 40 texts I've been sending yes, it is quite obvious that I want to talk. Alas........ (To my text message) .... No, I'm not on campus now.
Tutor:Ok.

- and that was it!
Honest to god, I dont know where I went wrong, but a tiny part of me thinks that I might have had a slip of the tongue.. You know, halfway through happy hour, I fear that I might have told her that I didn't pass organic chemistry after all. I'd told her that I did... :( I know. That was terrible. But I told her that because I didnt want her to think that she didnt do a good job tutoring me. That girl spent so much of her time making sure I understood everything. She's a great tutor. I, apparently, am a shitty learner.

On that note. Time to hit the books.

The rest of the week...

.




....is going to be the week from Hell. I have an exam on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. Not cool. I think if I really devote an obscene amount of time to studying, I should do as well as I want to do. Thank goodness Organic is on Friday. Save the hardest for the end, huh?

I'm annoyed about several things though:

1) I cannot find ONE PERSON that can help me with physics. Not one. WTF. My tutor has abandoned me, my professor is never in his office, and no one else in class knows what the heck is going on. I feel like I've expressed this already. I might just be repeating myself. Anyway, I had online homework that was due 20 min ago. I got through a few problems, but I still have about a dozen to go. Each day the problems are left uncompleted, 5% comes off my grade. I'll do all I can to finish it tomorrow. Okay, I cant freak out yet though.... the homework is worth 20% of my physics grade, yes. That can make or break me. BUT, This is only the 3rd chapter out of about 11 that we have homework on. So, If I can come up with a good strategy to complete my homework on time, and correctly for the rest of the semester, it should even things out.

2) I'm finding gaps in my statistics notes. Either it is because I cannot read a thing he writes on the board, or I cant understand the man. The gaps arent really working for me.... I'm having trouble practicing examples with the notes I have.

Okay so I feel like I'm just complaining.... maybe I'm not doing everything I need to do to succeed. Maybe I need to go a farther distance.


On a better note, I got a chance to take a break from studying and watch the superbowl with boyfriend and his friends. I dont think I've eaten so much in a long time. Chicken wings, pizza, pigs in a blankie, little cheese cubes - at least I had veggies too. But overall I feel like a glutton.

Alright, so my agenda for tomorrow is this:

Organic chem class
Cell bio class
Neuro class
Physics class (gag)
Study for an hour
Head over to the hospital to shadow for an hour
Go back to school and study in the library until I start seeing black spots
Go to sleep and do it again on Tuesday.

Wee!

Random Thoughts

Dear Neuroscience Exam,

I just wanted to thank you for being so tolerant with me. We've had our ups and downs, and despite the fact that I sometimes was too busy to pay attention to you, you held on. Now that I got an A on your first exam, I feel that we can take our relationship to the next level. I'll give you time to think it over and we can discuss it again after my second exam.

Yours Truly,
Tori
____________________________


Dear Dentist,

I drove all the way to your office in the pouring rain after class so you can hack away at my mouth? I still taste blood. But hey, at least you showed me how to floss again. And for the fifteenth time, I'm NOT getting my wisdom teeth removed.
You know what they say...... if it aint broke.....

Bitterly,
Tori
____________________________


Dear Retainer,

Where the hell are you??

Desperate,
Tori
____________________________

Ok I dont have messed up teeth. I really dont. It's just that I've been stuck with this retainer for the past year. I have to get the space between my two front teeth to close a little more. I'll be honest, I dont mind it the way it is. Before I started wearing the retainer, they had put a little metal piece behind my from teeth to keep them from separating. After 5 years, it broke. That was its lifespan they said... crap. I'll just make myself one. I can do that right? A little metal piece, some Gold Bond? It's perfect.


On the more annoying side of things, I have my first physics exam on wednesday. I would like to express how NOT prepared I feel.... my tutor is still MIA and my professor is a jackhole. I feel like I'm at a loss. I have one more day to try and squeeze it all in. Hey, at least I know how to do capacitor problems. Too bad that will probably be about 10% of the test.

I should get some sleep.
Nighty.

Physics and Stats

I'm dedicating this post to the two most annoying classes ever. I spent about 3 hours today working on Physics...I'm not sure if I made any progress, but I certainly have a bunch of questions for the professor. Conveniently though, I didnt see any office hours listed on his syllabus. I'll just have to bug him after class.....

As for stats, I'm still unable to understand a word my professor says (much less read whatever he scribbles on the board)... Today though was interesting. We just started a new chapter, Probability.
P(A U B), P(A) + P(B).... that sort of jumbo. We were working examples out on the board and he was getting a kick out of calling on people at random. I knew he was going to call on me at some point because I was sitting in a row with nobody in front of me so I was in plain view. Ten minutes later he says, "You, in the red!" Of course I didnt look up because, well, I was wearing pink. I guess to him, pink is red, because when I finally did look up, the entire class was glaring at me. I answered his questions correctly. He stopped and asked me my name, I answered, and he commended me on my "good work."

Not a bad way to start my day huh? Don't worry, i'll go back to hating stats tomorrow.


I'd like to know what on earth it is they do every night behind my house. Aside from the train that goes by once in a while, I'm always hearing trucks back up and move around... I think they are those trucks that carry gravel in the back. I've gotten used to it though...I'm not complaining really. I dont mind sleeping to any "background noise." I have several. My clock that ticks louder than thunder, the trucks in the back, the train zooming by, an army of birds tweeting away constantly, my neighbors blaring bachata in their yard.... the list goes on.

Lets see, tomorrow I have my full day. Classes back to back until 1pm, then i'm headed to the lab. I put so much good study time in today, I hope I can match it tomorrow.

Mondays....

Theres really not much to say about my Monday..

My tutor has the pox, which wouldnt surprise me if it turned into shingles.

We got nowhere (again) in my physics class. Especially after that wonderful lecture where my prof spent at least 15 minutes explaining to the class his reasoning behind the likelihood that we might all fail.

I went to Quest Diagnostics to get blood work done. It's part of the package apparently when you have high blood pressure. I've been from doctor to doctor over the past 2 months and not even one sticker. Not one.
I'm taking these beta-blockers that are should help me out... I'm keeping track of my progress daily, so lets see if these pills end up working. 117/78 this morning. 127/82 this evening. Those numbers are pretty little things.

I went to the hospital today to shadow the neurologist that I've been living vicariously through since September. He invited me to come to this "thing" called Bedside Teaching. As its name suggests, I guess they learn bedside manners. Unfortunately today, it was cancelled... This thursday, I'm supposed to go back up to shadow the D.O.

Part of me is freaking out about my first neuroscience test this Friday. I've been busting my butt for this test, I hope I nail it. Wow this whole time I thought it was on Thursday and I dont even have class on Thursday. Ah, the delirium is setting in... I think It's time for bed.

Good night.

1st Cell Bio Exam

What an absolutely odd experience that was.

So, I walk in to the lecture hall, and a TA stops me and asks me for my student ID. After showing it to him, I'm escorted to my seat where an exam is waiting for me on the desk. Fifteen minutes had passed when the kid next to me finishes his exam and hands it to the professor. Instead of the professor taking it and putting it in his giant manilla folder, he looks at it, shakes his head and hands it back to the kid. "Here, check #7, 10, and 13. Those are wrong."

(???????)

A long story short, by the time more and more people were finished with the exam, there was an enormous line to return the exam to that professor - not to the TA's. For each person he would either tell them what to correct, or tell them that they did a good job to which the student would skip off down the isle and out the door. Okay, I have to admit, I returned to him twice. The first time he gave me hints as to what I should fix, the second time he flat out told me the answer.

I know, its not ever day that something like this happens during an exam. I found out later that he just received tenure. Good for him, but no wonder he was going against the grain! I sure hope I did well on that test considering.....


Anyways, there is a new kid in my research lab. He seems nice... he's quiet and apparently he is a graduate of FSU who is taking some time off before applying to med school so that he can get "outside experience." Good idea. I have to admit, it feels nice to have someone else in the lab aside from being just me and the boss. I always enjoy a change of pace. Besides, I'm now the senior assist :)

In other news, I'm supposed to shadow the DO this morning. The only problem is that on Thursdays, he is at the hospital that is located about 25 min north of here. I dont mind the drive, but the downside is that I'm going to have to miss a little bit of class today because I have to be back here in time for an appointment at 2pm. Otherwise, I could finish class at 10:45am, then head on up there without worrying when I need to be back. I'm excited though. He's a neuro rehab doctor so that should be interesting. I'l post an update when after I make my visit.

I spent the entire night last night working on physics. Goodness knows if I actually knew what I was doing but at least I got some good time in. My tutor decided to get a full time job so she's pretty much outta commission as far as tutoring goes at least until she gets used to the 9-5. Or, 10-7 rather. Ah the good ol' office days... She was nice enough to offer to come over last night and help me despite her fatigue but unfortunately I wasnt home :(

Overall, I think things are going steady. I'm not stressing out too much yet ... I sure hope to keep it that way.

Hello again... its time for an update I would say...I had a great long weekend and thankfully I was able to catch up on a few things reading-wise. And no, unfortunately I'm not referring to the fabulous pleasure reads that I have at home on Granted, its not as much. It's two weeks into class and my first test - well, quiz- is tomorrow in statistics.. It should be alright. I practiced a lot and its only a small quiz so I shouldnt freak out about extensive content. I am, however, worried about my cell bio test on Tues. I'll report back with my thoughts on it.
Anytime it comes to a new professor, I, rightfully so, worry because I've never seen this guys test before, so Im not sure what to expect, I know nothing of his testing style. The good part is that we have 6 exams so there is a redeeming quality to all this (should I ever need it... lets hope not).

Other than that, I think things are going drama free so far, which Im ever so thankful for.

There has been a change in plans for the MCATS however. I tihnk Im going to focus on taking them in December instead of over the summer. My decision is solely based on time management reasons. I'll have a full load of classes over the summer so I'm not sure if I'll be able to handle studying for the MCATs and studying for my classes. Either way, I wont be able to apply until next spring. Might as well use my time wisely....

My throat hurts and I have no idea why. It doesn't hurt to swallow, it just feels like I've swallowed a bag of hot sand. Its driving me insane. I should definitely head to sleep soon. Hopefully in the morning I'll feel better so I can get through this stat quiz unscathed.

Goodnight.

Bedtime

Yes, i'm very tired... so this post is going to be short and sweet. Just a little update on my classes. So far so good.. the courses that I thought I would end up having the most trouble with (so far) arent giving me problems. Okay, give it another week or two, let's see if i'll feel the same way. Its just that I have a lot of reading to keep up with... My biggest challenge yet again is Organic Chem. Im keeping my fingers crossed, because, well, I MUST pass.

On a better note, tomorrow I'm going to call the DO that I've been meaning to contact. Hopefully we can set up a time to meet. As far as the other doctor I was shadowing, I havent received any email back from him. I mean, I know he's expecting me to come back to shadowing him in the spring. In December he asked me If I will return. Maybe he is just busy. I dont want to stalk the man, but what am I supposed to do if he doesnt respond? There goes a great shadowing opportunity, and an even better letter of recommendation. Ok ok I wont freak out yet.

Anyways, my neuroscience lab today was awesome :) its one of those self-teach labs where the proctor disappears and we have to pretty much fend for ourselves. However - I am perfectly okay with it. We dont have any lab reports to turn in, it's just an opportunity for us to examine the brain from different perspectives rather than something flat off the page. I'm liking it.

My eyes are closing. I'm exhausted and today wasnt even my long day. Wow tomorrow is going to be heavy.

First Day of School, Spring 2010

I have a few moments between classes and I actually brought my laptop with me so I thought id type on this for a few. Im supposed to be in Cell Bio right now but apparently my professor did not know how to fix the projector screen and the university tech center couldnt help (??) Soooo, he dismissed us.

The first class I had today was Organic Chem. What a lovely class to go to first thing in the morning, huh? 8AM, bright and early. I shouldnt complain though because Im the one thats had Physics and Anatomy at 6:45AM. :P

My next class is Neuroscience. I'm especially nervous -no pun intended - about this. #1) English is this professors 14th language and I've had him before - I'm well aware of this highly butchered accent. #2) It's neuroscience. It's hard. It sounds hard. It is hard. #3) See #2.

After neuroscience I have Physics II. Thats four classes in one day. Shoot me. What I would give to take ENC 1101 again.... Thats pretty much all that is on my agenda today. I'm going to go ahead and buy my books today and get started.

Oh good news!! So I had asked my bf about finding a DO that I could shadow. He came through and gave me the name of a DO Neurologist. He's going to contact the Dr first and give him a heads up that I'll be sending him an email sometime this week. That should be exciting :) I'll be perfectly honest though, between shadowing an MD, a DO, AND doing my research I have no idea when on Earth I'll have time for anything else. But thats ok. As long as I have time to study, I'll be fine. I"m not going to make the same mistake I made last semester... I took my time for granted. Yes, I did bust my ass, but I didnt bust it enough. I have to work 15 times as hard as the next person just to keep my head above water. Yes I could have stayed in NYC and become a starving artist, live in a studio, be one of those people that walk around with dried globs of paint in their hair, go to trendy clubs, and sip weird colored drinks that are in weird shaped glasses. OR, i could have stayed in NYC, finished up my masters in writing, gone to those underground bars with the exposed brick walls, drink whiskey in a circle with other people wearing paperboy hats, plaid pants, pens in their hair, and talk about Kerouac, Proust, and Whitman.
It'd be nice for the time being, but to be perfectly honest, at the end of the day I would go home unfulfilled. The flip side is what I"m dong now: torturing myself with these incredibly merciless classes. But no matter how hard I struggle, at the end of the day, I go home fulfilled. Imagine that.

I think that is what keeps me going, as backwards as it sounds....

On another note, it's fucking freezing in Miami. This morning it was 45. 45??! I took it for granted and didnt bundle up as I should have.... it was so cold I couldnt even take a shower. Right now I think it is about 63. High of 65. Cant wait.

Anyways, time to get to class. I'll definately be posting on this more... The next few weeks are bound to be interesting.

Happy new year

Or is it?

I must say, this semester ended on a less than desirable note...my genetics final was brutally tough...I didn't do as well as I would have liked in zoology. Here is the breakdown:
Zoology: C+
Genetics: C (lab B)
Organic chem: D+

As I look as these grades, I feel like breaking down. I feel like I've completely blown it..... But then there is a small small part of me that is motivated to keep going, keep plowing through. I just need to work harder. I don't have much of a fan base though. It's not the same when you don't have anyone rooting for you... Okay, that's a lie. I have maybe a handful of people. But still...

So welcome 2010, my first rude awakening of the year begins with rotten grades. Since I will obviously need to take organic chem again, I'll have to back out of taking cell bio.

I just got really tired....I think I'm going to shut it down. I'll definately be posting more once classes start up this Monday. Until then, nighty night.